I Tried, I Swear I Did

Y’all, I tried my best – honestly, I did. There’s no way I’m going to be able to not say something about the season premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras. I managed to wait until mid-season for my post last year, but TLC has outdone itself this season – the two little girls hit the floor running. Alright – before anyone emails me and tells me to bite my tongue, first – that’s never going to happen and second, I promise this isn’t about these little girls. It’s their hokey mothers! Granted, the little girls are rapidly approaching the obnoxious zone with their behavior, but it’s absolutely not their faults – I get that. What we have here, folks, is a psychological study in warped maternal instincts. Both of these women are doing their daughters HUGE disservices. They’re in no way equipped for a less-than-kind world because the lines between mother and child are seriously blurred. And as I pointed out last year, these women might be ooohing and ahhhing over their little girls, but when they grow up to be obnoxious women, no one is going to put up with it. Not an employer, not a husband and not the world in general.

OK…so remember when we were kids? If you were raised in the south, there was an unspoken rule that whichever mom was in the closest vicinity of a misbehaving child got the honor of threatening a switch across the legs. Worked like a charm, no doubt. The worst part was when we were told to go pick our own switch. Definitely not the kind of dilemma a kid wants to find himself facing. Just the threat of a spanking was enough of a deterrent. That’s not something these mothers have ever said. My guess? Their daughters scare them. Hell, they scare me – and I don’t scare easy. Back-talking my mom (or any other adult, for that matter) under my breath when I was 6 and then realizing she heard it? That scared me, too.

What’s so sad is both of the little girls in tonight’s episode, Makenzie and Eden, are adorable. They’re just more demanding and frustrating than a Mississippi mosquito. And they’re well spoken; then again, I guess they have to be so they can disrespect their mothers and make their unbelievable comments with a clear voice and colorful vocabulary.

Oh Lord….one little girl just said “I can wear this to church”. She has more makeup on than Boy George and more rhinestones than Liberace. Unfortunately, neither of these girls took home the big prize – and all hell broke loose as each unleashed her anger on her respective mother.

But aren’t you loving those kids on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? Oooh….I wonder what would happen if TLC put these little pageant queens in the middle of a traveler family? Yeah…..there’s a ratings dream come true!

 

I Don’t Need a Boost, I Need a Valium

Anyone see the season premiere of TLC’s Hoarding: Buried Alive? This particular family really stood out from others I’ve seen on this show or A&E’s Hoarders. First, the exterior of the homes don’t reveal the secrets inside the houses (the woman owns two homes). The outside of the houses are beautiful. The camera catches two grown daughters who haven’t seen their mom’s home for a decade and getting into the first house meant literally climbing on top of things stacked so high their heads actually hit the ceiling. The daughters are devastated and the heartbreak is clear on both their faces as well as their mother’s. So bad is this woman’s home, she must go to a local gym in order to shower each day. Her second home, meant to be a source of income as a rental house, is actually caving in. The first thing the women notice is the bathtub on the second floor is exposed and could realistically fall at any moment.

I actually looked around my own living room and tried to imagine having to climb to the ceiling to get past clothes, boxes and trash. I looked at my sofa and tried to imagine not being able to get to it or not being able to see the TV because it’s hidden by boxes six deep. Jan, the woman featured in the episode, had lamps laying on their sides on top of clothes, not being used. Her bathroom is not functional at all. As her second daughter tries to enter the home, her mom, standing behind her, says, “I’ll give you a boost” to which her daughter says, “I don’t need a boost. I need a Valium”.

I tried to imagine all of this and couldn’t. Anyone who knows me knows how sentimental I am. I keep a lot of stuff. My son’s drawings, love letters from high school, my first paycheck stub from my very first job – I have it all. It’s all organized upstairs in the guest room. And it’s all in one plastic box in the closet.

I imagine it takes a lot of courage for these people to come forward, especially considering the fact they seem to work double time to protect their secrets. I also imagine they must be truly isolated. After all, their family members don’t call and say, “I’m stopping by. Put the coffee on”. Most of us take for granted that a phone call like that means a quick tidying up, maybe wiping the counters down, but for a hoarder, it’s not even remotely realistic.

Human nature is a mysterious thing, isn’t it?

 

Warn Your Sons and Then Hide Them

About a year ago, I’d sent out an invitation for moms and/or daughters who were a part of the pageant circuitry. I received close to two dozen responses; which is good, of course, unless you’re dealing with pageant moms and/or daughters. It quickly became apparent that I’d chosen the wrong topic. Not a single one could resist asking if I’d showcase their professional photos. I explained the focus wasn’t so much on furthering anyone’s career, but rather, the goal was to take a realistic look at both sides – positive and negative. I don’t recall ever rolling my eyes so often. I ditched the idea in its entirety and never looked back. Then…the new season of TLC’s Toddlers & Tiaras began.

I don’t recall ever seeing so many coddled and entitled children in my life. Make no mistake – my problem is not even with the pageant circuit, but rather, the dynamics within these families. These adults are setting their daughters up for what’s sure to be a very difficult life. In tonight’s episode, a father promised his daughter $100 just to get on stage and smile. Another father shoved sugar down his daughter’s throat and then her mother had to keep her calm before she went on stage.

And speaking of fathers – and I’m trying really hard to keep some sense of decorum – but these fathers are spineless. There. I said it. They actually learn their young daughters’ dance routines. Why? To help their girl? Surely not since the parents are dropping major bucks for dance lessons.

These little girls are spoiled with the most unrealistic sense of entitlement. It’s almost vulgar. What are they going to do when these little ones grow up and realize not everyone’s going to cater to their every whim? I’d hate to know one of these girls grew up and set her sights on my son. They’re not always going to get the same response as they do now when they tell their mothers they want to smack them. Someone needs to tell them there’s going to come a day when making those comments will result in them picking their frilly butts up off the ground.

For my part, I have to take a step back and ask myself why I look forward to this show every week. Best I can figure is it’s my own passive aggressive way of speaking my mind. I can yell at these clueless moms all I want.

 

The Top 10 Moments of 2010 That Left Us Speechless

I really thought I’d have a hard time coming up with ten moments over the past year that resulted in a collective sigh and conversations that began with, “What were they thinking?” Not so. In fact, it was tough to narrow it down to only ten. Using my own shock meter, coupled with how much press any one story got, I finally whittled it down. Take a look and let’s see how your list of unbelievable moments stack up against mine.

10. What’s in a Name? Not Originality – I know the trends dictate which baby names will rise to the top – really, I get it. You can sometimes make an accurate guess as to when anyone was born if they had a mom who loved Britney Spears or Shania Twain. Who am I kidding; I don’t get it. Eh, it is what it is, though. This year, the names – and applicable television shows or movies – that are defining the most recent trends include Quinn (Glee), Betty (Mad Men), Bristol (Dancing With the Stars) and Aiden (Sex in the City?). OK…so this one’s not exactly mind-boggling, but it definitely rates an eye roll and a place on the list.

9. Dance the Night Away – or at Least the Season – Bristol Palin made it to the finals on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars. A sweet young woman, no doubt, but she beat out the far-better dancer, Brandy. But wasn’t it a phenomenal time for Jennifer Grey?

8. Four Wives & a Husband – Who could forget Kody Brown and his four wives? My mind is still grappling with that one. I’ve always said, though, these women are either brilliant or incredibly unaware. Still, the TLC reality show, Sister Wives, attempted a realistic look into both the home and lives of this non-traditional family. Besides, let’s face it, he really is a bit annoying. My guess is that he’d be divorced if any one woman had to tolerate him for too long.

7. No Woman Has This Tiger by the Tail – How many mistresses of Tiger Woods were we forced to endure this year? I lost track at 768. Woods is proof that if “Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. He’s ringing in the new year hopefully with a few resolutions that he can manage without the assistance of the opposite sex.

6. You’re Making Me Ill! President Barack Obama signs the Health Care Overhaul Bill, making it law. Several states promise to sue, saying it’s illegal and/or unrealistic. Its official name is the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. I have another name for it…but I’m too ladylike to say it.

5. Lean Meat – The disaster that is Lady Ga Ga had a point to make at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards. The only problem is, no one can quite quantify what that point might be. When the singer accepted her Video of the Year Award in front of millions, it was the gasp heard around the world.

4. I Spy -Ten people, scattered across northern Virginia, Yonkers and Boston, were arrested by the federal government and accused of being a part of a Russian espionage ring. They were living under assumed names and were in “deep cover” with hopes of penetrating America’s “policy making circles”. They were deported back to their motherland of Russia this summer.

3. Restored Faith – For those of us who watched every moment of the rescue efforts of 33 Chilean miners knows that sense of holding your breath. Not a single life was lost and this was certainly the “feel good story” of 2010. Of course, I imagine it was a bit difficult for some of these men who exited the greedy cave with both a wife and mistress waiting anxiously.

2. Wiki What? Following the July 2010 release of the 90,000+ pages of confidential information, approved by Wiki Leaks founder Julian Assange, yet another 400,000 cables on the Iraqi War are released. The Pentagon calls this the “largest leak of classified documents in U.S. history”.

And to no one’s surprise, the biggest shocker of the year has to do with a foreign oil company, controversy and of course, oil:

1. Up from the Ground Came a Bubblin’ Crude – Well, maybe not the ground, but the ocean floor anyway. The BP Horizon explosion took the lives of eleven men and annihilated the Gulf of Mexico. The economy in several gulf states has yet to recover, especially since the economy as a whole has struggled for several years. The long term effects are simply not known.

And there it is – with stories like these, it’s going to be challenging to top 2010. As with all things, though, time will tell…

Here’s to a year that had it all and a new year that renews our hope and faith.

 

Oh, Sarah!

Y’all know I wouldn’t have missed Sarah Palin’s new show, Sarah Palin’s Alaska on TLC.  I recorded it, as always, so I could zoom through the commercials.  I have to say, I’m hooked.  I’ve always been a fan – there’s my disclaimer – y’all know I’m Republican.  I tried really hard to get my columns finished before I watched, though I fell short.  An email from another blog I subscribe to came in and I saw where I wasn’t the only one who was struggling with the getting the words down (by the way, you should really take a few minutes and read Write Shadow’s blog – she is a Poe fanatic and a really gifted writer) and that was all the permission I needed to grab the remote.

Within two minutes, I’m thinking, “Ah…another child who sometimes refers to Mom by her first name”. That still drives me crazy sometimes- I have one child (and when I say child, I actually mean a 20 year old); seems I’d be “Mom” all the time, right?  A few more minutes and I’m thinking to myself, “I had no idea 98% of black bears are in Alaska”.  Still, several more minutes into the show and I swear, I’m watching my own mother keeping a very close eye on her teenage daughter (like a hawk) and laying out the ground rules for the visiting boyfriend.  By the way, I have a clip posted below.

Regardless of where you stand with politics, there’s no denying the things everyone will relate to: family, motherhood, chasing your dreams and standing up to your fears.  And don’t forget the breathtaking photography found in practically every scene.  Mt. McKinley, the salmon and those incredible pines – it’s truly spectacular and my new “I’m gonna go there someday” place.  Of course, I need to hit my deadlines first and that’s not getting done right now.  So – if you missed it, find it on the DVR and record it.  Forget the politics and enjoy the ride – it’s worth it.

 

A Dose of Reality for Reality TV

Four Wives and a Husband (Credit: TLC)

Anyone catch the series premiere of “Sister Wives” last Sunday?  I had it set to record from the moment I heard about it.  I’m absolutely fascinated with the mindset of those who live this way – especially the women. There are many who believe they are living with a severe detachment of reality, I’m not so sure though.

It comes as no surprise, then, when I learned that the TLC program has now prompted a bigamy investigation by Utah authorities.  I wasn’t sure what kind of charges could be brought against the family, led by Kody Brown, who, when the show begins, has three wives but will marry another during the progression of the season.  I use the terms “wives” and “marry”, but the fact is, he is only legally married to his first wife and has not attempted to obtain a legal marriage certificate with the other women.  This of course begs the question, “where’s the crime?”  Turns out, Utah makes it illegal to cohabitate with anyone other than your legal spouse who serves in the same role as that spouse.  Read: plural wives, same household, children with all of them.  It’s being compared to the 2001 bigamy case against Tom Green, also of Utah and also married to five women.  The difference, however, is he was charged with child rape and spent six years in prison.  There’s been no reason, even a miniscule one, to believe Brown is a child molester. Not only does he work, but his  wives do as well.  One is a psychologist.

This is interesting for me, much as I’m fascinated by the mindset of women who become a part of biker gangs with the knowledge they lose their “human” status and instead become property of the biker club.  And no, I’m not suggesting it’s that way in every biker club, but there are those violent groups who do live life by different rules.

Sister Wives

So what is it about these women that their minds and souls can make such sacrifices? Is it a case of being raised in polygamous households and then choosing the evil they’re most familiar with?  That has to play a significant role since the cycle continues and the mothers, though they might not encourage it the way they did in years past, don’t discourage it either.  For them, it’s as natural as the traditional marriages many of us know.

For now, the show is still airing on Sundays at 9 p.m. central time on TLC.  See a clip of the now four wives and their shared husband here.