Sea Monkeys and Love Rugs

It’s no secret that I don’t sleep well – I can’t remember the last time I’ve slept more than four hours at a time. They say we dream every night, but I figure I just don’t have time for it since I don’t sleep long enough to dream. So, on those rare occasions when I do manage to remember a dream after waking up, it’s usually pretty hokey. Enter the sea monkeys.

Remember those ads from the 1970s when those print ads had these images of sea monkeys with faces? I was determined I was going to have a tankful of new best friends when I was a kid. We always had friends – the real human being friends – in and out of the house when we were kids, so it’s not like I was lonesome or anything, I just thought how cool it would be to turn the “powder” that they arrived as into real people. I could train them to not touch my stuff and I’d actually have some back up when my sister decided that what was hers was hers and what was mine was hers too. Fortunately, that little phase passed quickly, much to my mother’s relief, I’m sure. I’d finally convinced her to mail the little order form in and I guess my disappointment came quickly as I realized they were never going to grow faces or personalities.

I’m not sure what the dream was last night, all I know is I woke up with those ads in mind. I started plundering around looking for an old ad online and it took about two seconds to realize those sea monkey ads were tame compared to what some agencies actually printed during that and earlier eras Take a deep breath and then take a look-see:

This one’s for all the single women who can’t figure out why they’re not married – it’s your breath, don’t ya know? Apparently, there were 5 million women whose bad breath kept them from matrimonial bliss.

Yeah, not even sure about this one. Two birds, one stone, camouflaging odors…you do the math and if you figure it out, let me know.

Oh Lord….these next two ads need no commentary from me. But still – really? Isn’t this like…child endangerment or something?

The Love Rug. There are no words.

And soil from Dracula’s Castle. I see now I lived a very deprived childhood. Why didn’t my mother order this for me? I think it might have been less traumatic than those disappointing sea monkeys. I need to have a chat with her.

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