Should’ve Never Named Your Child Miley

I admit it, there are times I take on clients simply because of the simplicity of the topics or the absence of any thought-provoking or soul-searching a more serious topic might require. Right now, I’ve taken on a few topics on this fall’s hair trends. I was a licensed hairdresser in another life and those kinds of subjects come easy. Of course, convincing a country full of women who believe ombre’ is the “do all, end all” is challenging, but thank God it was a short-lived trend. I think someone just stuck a label on it, called it a style and because of that, millions of women didn’t have to explain they were too broke to get their roots done. “I’ve gone ombre’.” Yeah, ombre’ my ass!

The Cosmo Magic

Naturally, finding the newest trends required a stop at Cosmopolitan. I try to stay off this site because like Facebook, I can easily lose three hours. I always emerge a bit more educated on how to keep a husband happy, according to a 20 year old 170px-Miley_Cyrus_at_Kids'_Inaugural_2_cropped_filtered_(cropped)college graduate who’s sharpening her writing teeth on such fulfilling topics. I also learn more about who wore the best gown at any of the awards shows. You know, because I’m going to need a new look when I hit the governor’s ball in a few months. Whatever. Then, reality kicks in and I realize out here in the real world, there’s a living that needs to be earned.

Today, though, I saw a headline on the Cosmo site, “Miley Cyrus is Retiring”. It’s at that point I hated myself for never learning how to play a harp because that would have been so appropriate at that point. Instead, I just sent up a silent thank you to God. Then I clicked on the link, mostly out of curiosity, to better understand what makes this 20 year old idiot believe she’s even close to retirement. Turns out, she’s just getting started. It’s her disturbing tongue she’s convinced should be retired. It’s not exactly what I expected, but I figure if we have to do it one body part at a time, I’ll take it – anything to make this embarrassing woman go away.

Should’ve Never Named my Daughter Miley

One of the best things about reading stories of celebrities who are their own worst enemies is reading the comments from the readers. Ah, they’re so entertaining. We have the obligatory woman who insists she’s going to burn in hell, the defender who insists the public is just too hard on this pitiful creature and if we’re lucky, we see a “I’m embarrassed to even say I named my daughter Miley”. Those are my favorite mostly because anyone who names a child after a celebrity or a character in a movie is nothing short of an idiot. Yes, I went there, all of you moms of daughters named Bella. You are going to regret that. I absolutely promise you will. Even my own best friend went ten rounds with me when she announced she would be naming her own daughter after a celebrity. I threatened her within an inch of her life if she did. Fortunately, and for the only time in our 15 year friendship, she was scared of what I might actually do. Her daughter is going to thank me some day for insisting her mom give her a more feminine and traditional name.

At any rate, I keep reading and then I see a comment by one of those “speakers of reason” who reminds the complaining commenters that they are the reason this train wreck stays in the news. And it’s true. Our society (and maybe it’s just human nature) is hooked on trainwrecks. We thrive on seeing those arrogant and entitled celebrities fall. Then we self-righteously declare, “The higher the pedestal, the harder the fall”. We then go on about our merry ways. If you’re like me, you probably think, “If her daddy would’ve tore her ass up as a kid, she might be a bit more respectable these days”. That’s our cure-all in the south: discipline, up to and including being sent out to pick our own switch.

Just a Money Maker

That’s not to say that this young woman should use an excuse to justify her less than ideal decision making efforts; she’s an adult – she’s responsible for her own actions. And, too, being raised in the eye of the public presents its own problems. Again, though, that doesn’t justify her parents’ decisions to forgo discipline – whether it includes spankings or not – and instead place her higher on that pedestal. It was just a matter of time before she showed her ass.

So what should happen to Miley Cyrus? I don’t know. What I do wish, though, is that someone will shake her up and explain to her that all of this publicity isn’t because so many worship her. It’s because Lindsay Lohan is no longer providing the type of entertainment we’ve grown used to; the kind of embarrassing antics that give the rest of us plenty of opportunities to tell ourselves that we’re lucky to not be in the spotlight. She’s not building loyalty, she’s building a following of folks who are just waiting for her next hard fall from her self-created pedestal. You know, the truth is, this young woman really is a talented singer – you’d be surprised, though, that when reminded, some people say, “Oh, yeah…that’s right. I forgot about that.” People are following those misleading links on sites like Cosmopolitan, eager to see what it was that caused her to declare retirement, only to be disappointed when we learn the headline was misleading. She’s become a prisoner to the media, a whore for the public and a bigger disgrace with each passing day.


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